Snow White and the Huntsman (review)

Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all? The thing is, even in the midst of the melodramatic enunciation, we see that Ravenna is actually anxiously waiting for the answer - her eyes filled with tears of insecurity. This is why I don't hate the film. 

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This film, as expected, is a visual delight. Some may even call it a spectacular nightmare, but I beg to differ. That's not to say that I like it, but I surely don't dislike it. I guess it can be described as enjoyable.

The script has many flaws, but had they cut down on the heavy, senseless dialogue, none of the other gaps would be of ANY significance. At the end of the day, it comes down to the showdown between Snowy and her step Mama, and this scene was well-done. So, I will base my review around it.

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Aside from a few clumsy camera movements, the visual effects and cinematography can be classified as divine. The grand battle scenes were adequate; better spatial staging would have made these scenes a lot more involving. I guess technical shortcomings are to be expected in a directorial debut. I can't believe I'm saying this, but this film is Oscar-worthy; the costumes truly outshine every other aspect.

Now, you have to admit, even if you hate the film, that's a pretty impressive white stag.

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The photographs speak for themselves, so there is no point in praising the excellent make-up. Yes, that would be OVERKILL, something Charlize Theron absolutely *masters*.

To put it mildly, the  *accents* are bad. Kristen Stewart's accent was a lovely mix of Scottish, Irish and ... American, and Chris Hemsworth was mostly incomprehensible. This is why the excessive dialogue was entirely irksome. Anyway, we can sit here and critically analyse Stewart's performance, or we can just recognise she is a bad-ass warrior princess and move on with our lives. I obviously choose the latter, because we have yet to discuss Charlize Theron, and you know what happens when she doesn't get her fix!

Can you blame her for wanting to preserve *that*!?

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Theron was... adequate. I love her charismatic, realistic and subtly powerful portrayal of an aged Queen Bee in Young Adult. With Snow White, Theron has thrown any sense of subtlety, among other things, out the window. She puts the O in OVER-ACTING, literally, she rounds out and stretches each and every one of her vowels. Charlize, darling, there is dramatic enunciation and then there's wailing. Yet, she's still the most compelling character. Her delivery is appropriate for the more dramatic moments, but had she dialed it down a couple of notches in the early and quieter scenes, I would have loved it. Point is, she nails the climax. All innuendos intended.

For fear of seeming sexist, I have to include one of these.

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Plus, I was absolutely captivated by Ravenna's (Theron) bulging eyes and popping veins, and the woman knows how to scream. The film is a fun, frivolous melodrama, I just wish it was more succinct. 

Verdict: 7/10. Too much useless dialogue, in case you missed the point. Colleen Atwood, once again, proves that she has three Oscars for a very simple reason - no mortal can resist being seduced by her elegant costumes. 

Just to be clear, Ravenna was a supporting character, I just wish that she had won. I don't know if this reflects badly upon moi, as a human being, but I never side with Snow White.

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P.S. I am still writing the Prometheus review. Don't give up on me! Love y'all.

Maleficent: Jolie flyin' (stunt pics)

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Is there anything that the woman can't do! ?Then again, she is a pilot... and an ass-kicking, neck-cracking, throat-slashing action superstar.

*Oh please, don't put a spell on me.* Sorry, every time I think of this film, the songs pops up. 

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March, 2014 cannot come soon enough!!! Hopefully, they will have the decency to release a clip or teaser before next March. 

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So, as promised, I HAVE seen Prometheus. I'm just trying to put together a well-rounded review so we might be here till next year. I'm kidding, it SHOULD be finished before midnight. So, keep posted. Love y'all.

P.S. Everyone should check out Leanne Mitchell's rendition of I put a spell on you [LINK]. They should absolutely use it for Maleficent. Maybe Angelina Jolie could have a Bollywood number in the air, similar to the one in Mirror Mirror. Please excuse me whilst I remove my tongue.

Keira Knightley: Anna Karenina (Trailer)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3yUo9YbuinI

The trailer truly does speak for itself, it is stunningly audacious and elegant. Anna Karenina is yet another Wright-Knightley union, just to give you some context, the two previous unions were beloved masterpieces Pride and Prejudice (2005) and Atonement (2007). Yes, this is another period-drama done WRIGHT! I know, terrible joke. 

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I love period-dramas. Aside from the wonderful cinematography and flawless costumes, they are epic love stories that allure us with grand confrontations, and compel us with quietly heartbreaking moments. Beyond the stage theatrics, this trailer promises a heartfelt and heart-wrenching story. Plus, this film is penned by the brilliant Tom Stoppard (Shakespeare In Love), so it won't be short on wit and charisma.

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Though, I have to admit, this film's greatest asset (for moi) is Keira Knightley. She is without a doubt, the duchess of period dramas. For some strange reason, the Academy loves to snub her, it still baffles me that she was not nominated for A Dangerous Method, psychotic roles always get nominations. Then again, she was cured by the denouement. Point is, this film definitely tops my current MUST SEE list.

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P.S. Hope you adore the trailer.

 Now I feel like watching the Duchess for the millionth time, so expect a review. Love y'all.

Angelina Jolie: Maleficent (Set Photos)

http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2012/06/20/article-2162114-13B38FD2000005DC-974_634x405.jpg

We're having a heat wave

A tropical heat wave

The temperature's rising,

 It isn't surprising

She certainly can, can-can!

Shoosh, *I'll put a spell on you.*

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Excuse me, don't you see that I'm occupied with my staff!?

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*That's right, I'm the HORNS in this meadow!*

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Angelina Jolie: Maleficent (FIRST PIC)

DAMN! Mama is workin' her horns.

http://cdn.mos.totalfilm.com/images/f/first-official-image-of-angelina-jolie-as-maleficent-revealed-105870-00-470-75.jpg

WOW. That is all that I am capable of saying right now.

P.S. Keep posted, I'll be posting any available Maleficent pics. I am officially obsessed!!!

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (clip)

It's early in the morning, so this shall be short.

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This is an extremely strange film. It is a mix of ABSURD historical fiction and vampire slash-fest. Somehow, though, I think it is very promising. Both the trailer and the Train Escape clip illustrate Bekmambetov's sleek, artistic flair for adrenaline-inducing action sequences; this very theatrical style is the reason why Wanted is so darn thrilling and entertaining .

So, this film could absolutely WORK. All that it needs is humour  and heart, because this market does not have space for another flat, vampire melodrama. Judging by these clips, the director seems to be headed in the right direction, and the film has the epic factor that can draw thrill-seekers. However, to make a profit off of its $70 million budget, it will need to be meaty and fleshy enough to feed our dry veins. All lame jokes intended!

P.S. let's share my beautiful nightmares. Love y'all.

Hellboy II: a whole new world

HELLO people of the past, present and future. ERGH! Forgive me, I have been in a very strange mood these past few days, mostly because I keep having nightmares about weird, intangible and not entirely ALIVE things.

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What a beautiful nightmare?

Today's post is a little self-indulgent. When I hate the world, I turn to beautiful cinematography and that is something Guillermo Del Toro masters. Hellboy II is not a masterpiece, I don't love it. However, the world that Del Toro paints is wildly creative and completely enticing.

 So, let us put on our 3D glasses and be seduced by this visually compelling ride.

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I'd totally pay an extra dollar for these.

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What an attention-hungry diva!?

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*Don't make me get my spear out*. Hopefully, NOT a euphemism. 

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Prince Nuada... once again... being a diva. Strangely alluring. Perhaps it's his spear, but I digress.

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Yet I wonder why I keep having nightmares...

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I LOVE  a nice, quirky, heavy, uncomfortable, impractical headdress. 

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*Where is MAMA's fertiliser?* 

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Abuse of fertilisers... extreme edition.

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*you ... mow the lawn?* Now, you know why she's so pale. 

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Better scoot whilst I can!

P.S. Hope you enjoyed that. The film is good escapist fun, so view it at your leisure. Love y'all.

My Neighbour Totoro (review)

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This film was released all the way back in 1988, and is one of Miyazaki's first animated features. As it turns out, he has always had the gift! My Neighbour Totoro is simply splendid.

The scenes with the delightful Cat Bus are some of the most meaningful and enjoyable chase scenes I've ever seen.

I say this every time I speak about Miyazaki, but it's a sin to not mention the flawlessly drawn animations. Fortunately, for you, I'll let the pictures do the talking.

One of my favourite rain scenes EVER! This film is just too good.

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I shan't bore you with the plot, because, well, there really is no point. It's not about what you think, but rather what you feel. Miyazaki's works have a special place in my heart because they never fail to capture the innocence and beauty of life, and I think this masterpiece does it best. The visuals transport us to the gorgeous countryside, and occasionally exude an ominous air; of course, this unsettling feeling is neatly wrapped away before the film's sweet denouement.

Our ever so adorable heroines!

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So, naturally, the film makes me feel liberated and spiritually enlightened without choking me. The respect that the characters pay each other and their environment is truly endearing. If characters in horror films acted a little more like this, perhaps more of them would survive!

Yet another scene I shall cherish. SO ADORABLE!

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Anyway, in the words of our lovable, brave little heroine Satsuki, My Neighbour Totoro is a *weird, mysterious, spectacular* experience. So, sit back, relax and enjoy a genius' innovations.

Inglourious Basterds (review)

As promised, a short review!

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The scene that sets the film's superb standard, Jew Hunter (Christoph Waltz) shows us why he captured that Oscar, among other things. This is, without a single shred of doubt, one of the best interrogation scenes in le cinema. 

The whole scene is NOT on Youtube, so you'll just have to the watch the film. Good for you!

This film is extravagantly great. Period. If I had to rate it, I'd say 9.99 out of 10. When a rare gem such as this comes along, my job is not to critique, but to CELEBRATE.

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*BINGO!* Indeed. 

Let's put this into context. Most of the film is in a language other than English, in some scenes there are no subtitles as Tarantino desires to maximise realism; you are truly placed in the character's shoes, except for the death part. Yet, the film grossed an impressive $US 320 million at the box office, including $120 million from America. BINGO!

Everyone in the cast is excellent! Seriously, Christolph Waltz, with his flamboyant and fantastically nuanced performance, hardly upstages anyone. He scooped, basically, all of the accolades that year because his character illustrates the greatest sense of Individualism. He's out to save his own neck; in a bloodbath as cruel as this war, most people pick a side and stay on it. My point is, the man STANDS OUT. 

The other characters' motives are revenge or survival, and yet the cast portrays these characters with unique quirks that makes them more than just caricatures. That is nothing short of a bloody miracle, no joke intended. The way I see, it comes down to one man - Quentin Tarantino.

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The gorgeous Melanie Laurent enthralls with her compelling delivery of a melancholy, tragic heroine. The woman does red justice, but then again, so does everyone else in this film!

Tarantino has a very distinct style that is a compromise between stylistic, stage theatrics and brutal realism, which is perfect for an ambitious film that re-imagines history. Everyone in the cast illustrates this amazing balance, which is why this absurd script dazzles. The man entices us with the sinister humour of the situation, whilst painting the madness and cruelty of this very real war. 

He is a conductor in every sense, every shot serves a purpose. In a certain scene, a dormant low-angle shot is used to hint the position of the victims, who are intensely watching their predator. You're not stunned by its brilliance until you realise the scope of the situation. The way in which his camera moves, in revealing resolutions, is one of many marvelous directorial skills that is to be cherished.

Quentin Tarantino is nothing short of a genius.

P.S. Brad Pitt, even his with his strange Southern accent, is sexily hilarious.

 Love y'all

Happy birthday Angelina Jolie!

Happy belated birthday, Ange!

It sure does take two to tango, what a fiery scene!?

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I was supposed to post this yesterday ON her actual birthday, but that didn't work out... just like most marriages these days. I'm kidding. I have complete faith in the institution *wink wink*.

Anyway, to celebrate the birthday of this sexy goddess, I shall be exploring the many stages of the love story that is Mr. and Mrs. Smith.   

Firstly, where would a relationship be without the meet-cute in a hotel, and the frivolous sex that follows?

Apparently he had to milk a goat himself. Not a euphemism!

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Talk bout self-indulgence... on OUR behalf.

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Of course, after the lustful sex comes the marriage, which involves :

Awkward dinners...

... If you can't hold a decent dinner conversation, anything involving the bedroom or bathroom will be just as bland and, well, awkward.
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What baffles me is how these two can be in the same room without having *constant, unrelenting, not stopping for like...* How!?

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Of course there's the occasional *eating out*...

... And a girl's gotta eat, actually Mr. Smith is more likely the promiscuous one. I just couldn't find the photographic evidence. Whatever, nothing's half as smokin' as Angelina in leather. 

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Good old, useless marriage-counselling. Always hilarious.

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Fortunately, they're also deadly assassins, which means their fights are a lot more -let's say- stimulating.

*Damn! Now, I have to wash that.*
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Passive-aggressive thigh-stroking is definitely IN.

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Everything changes when you're no longer killing each other for the fun of it.

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See, not so cavalier anymore.

This brings sleeping on the couch to a whole new level. Literally!

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That's sentimentality OUT the window, or perhaps not, might be another photo of ... I digress.

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Lastly, no one is going to sit through a couple's fight unless it results in steamy ... or a divorce. 

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Here's the aftermath... oh Lordy Lord!

Well, what happens in fight club stays in fight club, but CLEARLY they get on like a house on fire.

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I hope that was refreshing escapism, now, we must all return to our humdrum existence.

I'm anxiously awaiting your Maleficent, my dear! Give us HELL.

P.S. I Love Ange, this film and y'all. OH Brad, I haven't forgotten about you, I shall be blogging about Inglorious Basterds tonight. Stay sexy!